Say hi to my Mum

Jay, I miss you.

Every time I try and not think about you I do and get upset and realise ill never speak to you again. There were so many things I wanted to say but never did. So many thoughts running threw my head when we spoke but I never uttered a word. Something I now regret more than anything. I had my chance, it was right there in front of me and I let it pass. I try and make myself believe this is all just a horrible mistake and you'll come back to me. But I know this isn't so. All your friends and family were at your funeral. They played your music and displayed all your favourite things. Your father gave the most incredible speech. You come from great stock. I could see you in your fathers eyes. I spoke with your mum and she remembered my name from when we used to see each other and id wait in your kitchen with her for you to come home from work. To see you walk in the door with your skate board under your arm and a How DO and that cheeky smile. Ill never forget that smile. Brett spoke so fondly of you. All threw the service all I could hear was myself crying which may I remind you wasn't a pretty site. I wanted to look all pretty for you and did myself up all nice in the morning then the moment I saw you I lost it. I brought you flowers the prettiest ones I could find in my favourite colour blue. I wrote you a letter and pinned it to your flowers. I hope you read it and know how much you meant to me. I keep on thinking about how long its been since I saw you. And how out of no where you suddenly appeared back into my life as if nothing ever happened as if I was with you only the day before. We spoke as if we never had that absence. Everyday I eagerly awaited your emails and sure enough there you were. The way we just chatted about random shit makes me smile and then sad cause ill never get that again and no one could ever take that place. I haven't been this upset since I laid my mum to rest over 12 years ago. She had her service in the same room you did which probably made things even worse for me. She laid before me in the exact same way you did and its a sight ill never forget. All I wanted to do was rip that box open and hug you. That's all I ever wanted to do. Grab you in my arms and just give you biggest hug. People may be reading this thinking how weird it is for me to be writing to you but this is my therapy. And believe me since you passed I honestly think I need it. I need to speak to you the way I used to and if writing this on your site is the only thing I can do then so be it. I want you to know ill never ever forget you. I said to your sister its rare to meet a person in life you can truly say your honoured to have known and with you that saying couldn't be more spot on. Say hi to my mum for me and ill see you when I do.

Miss our chats

HC